The Talk: What white people need to know (as told to Laurie Fosner by Gwendolyn Stringer)

 

This is an edited transcript of a talk Gwendolyn gave to her fellow employees as part of our ongoing conversation about race and how we are affected by it. She begins by answering a question: Why she chose to share her experiences as a black woman and how it feels to do this.

It’s a very sensitive matter for me. It’s a difficult conversation, and as I describe the joy that I feel in having this conversation, I have to pull from a compartment that I have. I have compartmentalized my feelings on what’s going on in this world, in my life, in the race relationships. I have to have a place to put the hurt, the fear, the frustration, the discontent, the hopelessness, the anger. I have to store it somewhere because if I don’t, I can’t function because those feelings are too heavy. And so, I do that daily, I do that by my Christian faith.

So, I’m going to pull some of those things out to talk about them. What will happen is that my countenance will change; my voice changes, my smile goes away, the decibels increase, my facial expressions exaggerate because now I’m looking at something that’s not an easy thing to talk about—it’s a painful thing.

What motivates my voice today, is that I want the best for my three sons, who deserve to be seen for their character, not their skin color. For most people, most parents, the most difficult thing they have to explain to their children is that Santa Claus is not real, but not me, as parent. I don’t want another black mother to have to have “the talk” with her sons or daughters. And if you’re not familiar with the talk, let me just tell you what the talk was for me and my sons. 

There are three of them and they are black boys and they are quite large. And I would have to explain to them that when you walk down the street together even though you are three brothers you will be seen as a gang. I have to tell them when you walk into a store there is a way you carry yourself. Always greet the store owner to disarm them. You want them to know you’re friendly. Don’t put your hands in your pockets. Keep your hands in plain sight. Keep your receipt when you buy something—always get a receipt—even if it’s a stick of gum. And never, ever, steal, because that’s what they expect of you. That’s part of the talk I have to have.

But finally, the most difficult talk that my ex-husband and I had to have with my kids—I still have that talk today—is the conversation on how to interact with the police when you’re pulled over while driving. And the chances are—you are three black men—you will be pulled over. In the black community we call that, the crime, is “driving while black.” It’s not funny because it happens so often. You can be pulled over and lose your life because of the attitudes. There are good cops, don’t get me wrong, but there is so much fear, so much criminalization of black people that the first instinct is to kill.

So that conversation with the police, when you get pulled over, you need to put your hands on the steering wheel and let them be in sight of the police officer at all times and speak politely when reaching for your registration. Speak calmly and tell them exactly what you’re doing. Comply with the officer. If there’s a problem, get the officer’s badge number and you can report them later, but your goal is to get home safely. And even with these steps-- there is no guarantee that you will get home safely.  

That’s the conversation that I’ve had to have with my three sons.

So, what does Black Lives Matter mean to me? I am getting emotional; I didn’t expect to get emotional. When I talk about this I am not speaking for all black people—we are not monolithic. This might be a movement for some—some of you have just become aware of it and are just now becoming involved and it’s a movement and I’m just so happy to see people of all colors and mostly white people who are out protesting for black lives, but for me it’s my life. So, when you get tired of protesting and this fad is over, it’s still my life. This is not the first time Black Lives Matter has happened. We’ve had protests before; they go away, and they come back. So, I’m hoping that as we are united, we use this time to make a change because it’s exhausting. At some point you’ve got to get tired, but I can’t get tired, because this is my life. To some it’s a movement, to me this is my life.

In terms of how this affects my identity at work, as a black woman I am mentally and emotionally fatigued. But if you ask me how I’m doing I’m going to say “fine.” Because we are conditioned as black people by our parents, who are strong people, that if you want to survive you put your chin up, you make a way out of no way, and you keep pushing through all of the difficulties because you don’t have time to stop and complain.

I’ve had a long career, and I have encountered unconscious bias, (maybe conscious), microaggression, and discrimination. You know, people hire who they feel comfortable with, so you try to be like them, but right now I don’t have time for that. I don’t want to try to be like anybody. I don’t want to try to fit a mold you think I should be in.

In the end, we must educate ourselves and take responsibility for our part in this. So, if you are wondering what you can do, try to remember these two things:

If we know better, we can do better

If you see something, say something

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More background about Gwendolyn’s life and the struggle to make black lives matter

Gwendolyn’s great-grandparents on both sides were born into slavery. Back then black lives didn’t matter. And it wasn’t that long ago. There are only three generations between her enslaved grandparents and herself. Her family has been fighting for their lives to matter since the signing of the Emancipation Proclamation.

While the 13^th Amendment outlawed slavery, there was an exception made for black people who were deemed criminals. So, right out of slavery, the goal was to criminalize black people, so they could once again provide the labor the white farmers needed. It was called “peonage” or “debt bondage.” White farmers who lost the slave labor that had kept them profitable used this by drumming up charges like loitering to jail black people, and then in order to pay off their debt to society, they were conscripted once again into a form of slavery.

They also created the sharecropper. While black farmers were supposed to be paid under this system, they almost never were. It was a situation where they were freed, but where were they going to go? The lack of opportunity for freed slaves kept far too many exactly where they were before slavery had ostensibly ended.

When we talk about systemic racism in the police department, this is where it started: criminalizing black people so we can continue to use them for slave labor. The first police were former slave patrols tasked with tracking down and returning black people to slavery. Those patrols eventually evolved into the current police force. So that’s where the mentality of seeking out black people to target as criminals began. And there are still remnants of this mentality in police forces across the country.

When the 13^th Amendment was ratified in 1865, black people were still not considered citizens of the United States. It was not until 1868, when the 14^th Amendment was passed that black people gained citizenship. But it would not be until in the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and the Voting Rights Act of 1965, that black men and women finally won the right to vote without consequences.

Gwendolyn’s family has a saying “Education is liberation.” But even that doesn’t stop discrimination. Today you can get away with killing a black person simply by saying “I felt threatened.”

Even after the horrifying videos of the beating of Rodney King, and the murder of George Floyd, our system of justice still failed to hold police accountable for the death of Breonna Taylor. And yet our current Attorney General insists there is no systemic racism in America.

While some white people still refuse to say, “Black Lives Matter” insisting that “All lives matter,” The reality is that “All lives matter” will not be true until Black Lives Matter.